St. V's Hospital Has Become My Second Home

In the last week I have been to the ER twice. Yep, twice. Initially it was nausea and stomach pain, then I started projectile vomiting, and everything tastes acidic. Yeah, it was pretty bad. I thought I would have some relief after vomiting, but instead I got progressively worse, so I decided to drive myself to the ER. Perhaps not the smartest idea, but it was late and I didn't want to bother anybody. So as I arrived at St. V's, I heard this really loud noise. As luck would have it, a LifeFlight Helicopter was landing on the helipad. Great. I knew I was in for a long night. The ER was really crowded. I was triaged, given a pager like the ones they give you at the Cheesecake Factory, and told to sit down and wait my turn. Now, I've worked in the ER dept before and I know that most times when a patient presents with nausea, vomiting and stomach pain, they usually take you back right away. Not me...bastards. I'll show them...

An hour later, the pager went off and I thought, thank God. Finally. Well, I'm not that lucky. It was actually just to see the Admitting person who would type my insurance card information into the computer. Heaven forbid you can't pay. As she was typing in my information (wait, didn't they already have all of that since I had just had surgery there a few weeks ago???) I covered my mouth and she quickly handed me a blue bag o' barf and sure enough, I spewed whatever was left in my stomach and then some. Ms. Admitter paged the nurse and said, "The patient in front of me just had a huge emesis episode." Not two seconds later the nurse was putting me on a gurney, getting an IV started. See, I showed them. I think this male nurse was new because he tried sticking me like 4 different times with the IV needle and couldn't find a good vein. So now my left hand and arm are a really pretty shade of green and purple. I look like a freakin' heroine addict.

Once the IV was in and they gave me some anti-nausea meds intravenously, I started to feel some relief. They took like 5 vials of blood, a pee pee test, and fortunately, earlier that morning I had had a Cat Scan. Just a follow-up from my surgery. I cried during that Cat Scan because I was like WTF?? Why am I getting sick again? What's wrong with me?? And to top it all off there was an Italian song playing in the background. I just lost it. Every test was inconclusive. Even the Cat Scan. They couldn't find anything wrong with me. I was released and told to go see an Internist.

My appointment with the Internist would be on Friday. Wednesday I began to feel sick again and Thursday I puked, a lot. I called the Dr.'s office and they couldn't squeeze me in, so back to the ER I went. It was pretty much the same situation. I had to wait and I vomited while I waited, but this time they didn't care. Anyhow, when I was finally taken back I was given an IV, this time by a very nice nurse who knew what she was doing. The Dr. ordered X-Rays, a couple of blood tests, a Gastro-intestinal cocktail, yeah but this was not a yummy cocktail, (can you hear the sound of cash registers going? Cha-ching..I sure did) and again, nothing. Finally, the next day I went to the Dr.'s and I was told that my Dr. had to go home for an emergency and wouldn't be back. Well, as you can imagine, after all I have been through, I lost my damn mind. I didn't make a scene, but I was extremely persistent in that I needed to be seen like now. So the receptionist lady called upstairs and asked if someone was available to see me and get this....she kept mentioning that I had Blue Cross Blue Shield insurance, so I could definitely be seen. There is something really wrong when you can only be seen when you have the "right" kind of insurance. It really makes me angry. Anyhow, there was one Dr. who had an opening and saw me. Nice guy and he decided that I had Giardiasis. WTF??????? Another unwanted guest has taken up residence in my uninviting body. I want to live in a Purell bubble.

He was hesitant to put me on antibiotics without doing the proper lab tests, but I gave him the "give me the antibiotics and no one gets hurt" look and he caved. He told me I can't have any dairy products, no meat, or tomatoes. The only things I can have are bananas, applesauce, Jell-O, noodles, steamed veggies, bread and rice. I've become a vegan under duress and it all has the same taste. I still have to go through the testing for it, but I'll spare you the details of that because it's really gross. I think I might vomit while doing them. Seriously. So now I'm on antibiotics and anti nausea medicine. But the antibiotics make me nauseous. No, I'm not pregos. Crap. I can't win.

A Mass Called Shrek...

Teary-eyed, I got in my car and drove myself to the Urgent Care clinic. I told the Doctor what I had found in my belly and he took it from there. He felt around my lower abdomen and confirmed my suspicions. There was definitely something in there. He had me take a pregnancy test, which I knew would come back negative. He decided then to send me across the way for a CAT scan. Wow, now my head was spinning AND I have out of state insurance, which means I pay 30%. The fear and dollar signs were mounting, fast.

I had to drink the most disgusting Vanilla flavored crap ever. I don't know how I was able to keep it down, but I did. The nurse took me back, I put on the gown and laid down on the little board that would move me in and out of the machine. Breathe in, breathe out...wax on, wax off...Then the nurse had me wait to make sure they came out ok. After a few minutes, she came back looking pale as a ghost. She told me they needed to take a couple more. OK....what the heck's going on??!! When they finished taking pics of my insides, she sent me back over to Urgent Care.

I waited for what seemed like an eternity. When the nurse finally took me back, she had this look of sorrow on her face. The doctor made his way into the exam room I was in and I'm not exaggerating when I say that the look on his face made me want to burst out into tears. He looked like he had just lost his wife! These were the words he said to me:

"The Radiologist told me that there is quite a large mass in your pelvis. It's huge and it involves both of your ovaries. It's not life threatening, but you should definitely go see and OB/Gyn ASAP."

I felt my heart fall to my stomach and the tears well-up in my eyes. Exactly what is this mass???? Is it cancerous?? How much is all this going to cost me?? Why now?? Ale is set to arrive in a couple of weeks.....Porca miseria! I decided I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself. I decided I needed to be strong, it didn't have me, I have it..etc.... So, I named my overgrown mass Shrek.